Bin Laden Ridiculed for Still Using Cassette Tapes

Prominent members of the terrorist network, al Qaeda, have revealed that their leader, Osama bin Laden – the man widely accused of masterminding the September 11th attacks over 7 years ago – has become the source of ridicule within the group for his refusal to give up recording messages on outdated cassette tapes.

Bin Laden first released an audio message in November 2002, with Pentagon officials even then assuming that his use of a TDK 60-minute cassette tape was “just an hilarious practical joke”.

“When the cassette tapes first started turning up, the entire e-ring of the Pentagon would be rolling on the floor with laughter”, said former Defence Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld. “But as time went on, the joke kind of started wearing thin. Nowadays, the intelligence community thinks bin Laden might not have been kidding after all”.

Held in US custody since March, 2003, al Qaeda member Khalid Sheikh Mohammed says he has continued to regale fellow inmates with “gags about bin Laden’s technical incompetence”.

“We have a bit of a laugh about it in our cells”, he said. “Osama always likes to think he’s much cooler than everyone else, being leader and everything. But the truth is, he doesn’t even know how to burn a CD or upload audio files to the web. Where has he been all century? Oh yes, in a cave”.

Since bin Laden went on the run in late 2001, there have been many advances in sound distribution technology, with CDs, MP3s and iPods now in wider use than ever before.

“I guess nobody told him that cassettes just aren’t that neat anymore”, continued Sheikh Mohammed. “But none of us have seen him in five years, so I guess we should give him the benefit of the doubt”.

In his latest audio release, bin Laden laughed off jokey remarks made on the al Qaeda website, explaining that he preferred to rely on foreign translators and Pentagon staff to “sort out the audio formatting side of things”.

“It’s really quite simple”, he said. “I record myself on some shitty 1992-issued cassette tape, post it over to the CIA’s offices and wham! Before you know it, my recording is played out before a worldwide audience. Pretty clever, if you ask me!”.

Furthermore the terror mastermind has denied reports that he is considering switching to more advanced technology for his next recording: “not a chance of it. If anything, I’m probably going to switch to vinyl”.