With an unemployment rate exceeding thirty-percent, out of work parents in Detroit, Michigan are looking to new methods to stave off the high heating bills this winter. Reports have been coming in that children of the unemployed are being urged to misbehave in order to acquire lumps of coal in their stockings on Christmas.
“Everyone knows that kids on the ‘Naughty’ list get coal from Santa,” one parent explained. “We figure it's better to keep the kids warm than worry about a Transformers action figure under the tree. Besides, we burned the tree last night when it got down to five degrees.”
Billy Thompson, 7 years old, admitted that his parents had encouraged his misdeeds. “They told me if I didn’t pick on my little sister that I would get a whipping.” Missy Thompson, 5 years old, indicated her opposition to the plan. “Billy pushed me down and took my cookie.”
Detroit Mayor Dave Bing applauded the resourcefulness of the city’s jobless men and women. “Most of us have already used our General Motor stock certificates for fuel. If Santa can help out with some coal, then I am all for it. Heck, the kids I know don’t need that much encouragement to cross the line. Once they figure out they aren’t going to get in trouble, they have no problem beating up other kids or pulling the cat’s tail.”
Due to his busy schedule, Santa Claus was unavailable for an interview. However, one of his elves (who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being sent to the Island of Misfit Toys), stated that Santa was secretly in favor of the effort. “We’re running short on funds due to the economic climate, and the big guy thought we might run out of toys. This will really save our keisters.”
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