Calming fears of recession, Gordon Brown announced yesterday that “everything’s going to be all right”.

The proclamation, from the subdued and slightly distracted Prime Minister, was followed by the statement, “everything will be fine. Don’t worry”

The announcement is set to bring relief to banks and city traders, who are already feeling the financial repercussions of the credit crunch.

Mr Brown continued, assuring the electorate in a flat, emotionless voice that “all this will be over soon...finished”.

Mr Brown then concluded the upbeat press conference, and retired to his garage with a length of plastic hose and his car keys.